Thanks for joining me!

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

– Mahatma Gandhi

Before the addiction

My Dad and I would hangout every other weekend. He’d always be happy to see me and we’d always make fun plans for the weekend together. I was always spoiled and felt loved. When I was young finally being able to see my dad was the best feeling in the world and was the most fun I had at the time. Being with him cured all of my worries of why he wasn’t there and made me feel more positive overall.

False Promises

Substance abuse slowly started to creep in and immediately changed the frequency of us hanging out, as well as lying/getting my hopes up to be let down over and over. Being at such a young age, its extremely difficult to brush off not being able to see your parent at such a random time with no reasoning for me.

Using

Drugs only got worse and worse for my dad. He began taking advantage of child support. He worked under the table so there was no documented salary giving him the availability to avoid payments one after another. The drugs nowadays changes his view on everyone including his family. The only worry is money for that next high stamping a dollar sign in front of everyone, including myself.

Codependency

This is when you get addicted to the addict. This is a very hard thing for me and adds to my anxiety. I have been working on this for years and it has been the main root of my anxiety. Many people who love an addict experience the same feeling and I know I am not alone in this.

My fathers addiction has affected me in almost every aspect:

• My anxiety
• Motivation
• Faith

Reuniting with my Dad

After finally meeting my dad again after multiple years there were many pros and cons. Although they were primarily cons, it was a slight relief actually seeing him in person. His drug of choice is heroin. This has discolored his face and looks 10 years older than he should. As well as his voice being abnormally raspy. All these side effects affected me more than anything in the end. Not sounding, or looking the same makes it hard to find the father I was always craving to see when I was too young to realize what was really happening when I wasn’t there. At the point in time meeting him again, I did not let that stop me from what I was waiting so long to know. What was really going on all these years when he clearly didn’t seem to recover hiding states away from his family. Last year, he overdosed 8 times and was revived by narcan. This taught me a lot about the drug, and my dad. You would think two overdoses let alone one would change someones ways. But to relapse 8+ times shows what Heroin can do to your brain no matter how much you have to lose.

What part is the drug/father

Being stuck in addiction especially with heroin can take a toll on who you are as person. Everything in life depends on it no matter what the cost is. Seeing the way my dad was before and after helps me figure out whats changed besides the physical aspects. Your whole personality changes. All of your focuses in life are completely switched up to making sure the substance is in your body at all times to push yourself away from the pain that is not only hurting you but everyone that was pushed away as well. Being asked after meeting him for the first time in 6 years to give him a ride, give some money and even later that night to bail him out of jail for driving with a suspended license at the Irondequoit police department. Being in my position in this situation, you’ve gotta keep in mind your personally cant change anything yourself. The user must get their head out of their ass and make a change there self.

Detachment

This is another challenge for me. There is a part of me that doesnt want to detach. I am in fear that I will leave my father to be alone (I know he already feels this way) but it would be the best option for me to take care of myself.

What has addiction taught me?

Addiction has taught me what not to do, I know that when it comes to me I will not allow myself to be an addict. If I decide in the future to have kids, I will make sure they never end up in the same shoes as myself.